Today, I was being a sappy dork and linking my friend Shahla to “West Coast” by Coconut Records because I never got to visit her in the East Coast and then never got to see her when she was back home on the West Coast before going abroad.
While listening to the song again, I noticed the part that goes “So pack up my bags to beat back the clock. Do I let her sleep or should I wake her up?”
This instantly reminded me of a part of “Dreamers” by Savoir Adore. In the bridge, Deidre Muro sings “You can stay where you are. I will wake you. I will wake you in the morning. You can stay where you are, so don’t you worry. Don’t you worry. Keep on sleeping.”
Let’s start with a couple days ago to what got me listening to this song again and the jump back to where I had been when this song impacted me so much.
A few days ago this girl was looking through my iTunes. There’s that dreadful feeling I get when people look through my iTunes library. I’m afraid they’ll judge me on my music tastes (or possible lack thereof). I’m sitting on my bed as she’s looking through my iTunes library. I’m afraid she’ll scoff at one of my favorite bands. (I’ve been severely judged and insulted by someone on my music library before.) I don’t know if she’ll be happy or be grossed out by all the Passion Pit and Passion Pit remixed tracks. There’s even the moment when she keeps scrolling and scrolling and it’s just a seemingly endless list of practically every Rilo Kiley song in existence. (Yeah, they’re my number 1, all time, forever and ever favorite band in the whole world. Almost a 10 year and counting love affair.)
Normally, this would just make me consider what music I listen to and their artistic merits or just think that the person judging me is a total asshole. However, I was really nervous because she’s the coolest person I’ve ever met (and my inflated ego makes these comparisons to myself who I think is really damn cool). “Oh mannnn, is my iTunes library cool enough for her to respect?”
She stopped in the D section and said that she loves Dawes especially that song. (“Yesssss!” runs through my head because that’s one of my favorite songs.)
Today, she GChatted me a link to the video above saying she loves the song and that particular performance. I tell her that it’s one of my quarter-life crisis songs. I listened to it a lot back then. This song ends up on my mind all day and also makes me think about my quarter-life crisis.
[Here’s a jump to right now.]
I’m starting to pack up my things that aren’t already in boxes (read: still in boxes from the last time I moved. To be honest, I only really unpacked maybe half or three-fourths of the boxes I brought into my current apartment).
I’m moving again. I feel like these last couple of moves have actually signified, in a really corny way, the ends and beginnings of different chapters of my life.
In this case, situations haven’t completely changed as much (at least I hope not because I’m currently liking and appreciating my life right now). It’s not the situation so much this time as the mindset I’m in, I guess.
I feel as if I moved from Oakland to San Francisco for a reason, and now I’m moving back to Oakland (literally just a few blocks away from my previous Oakland apartment). Well, there are multiple reasons, but the biggest part deals with priorities – or in this case my change of them.
[Now a jump to August 2011.]
In August 2011 I was quarter-life crisis-ing, not knowing what was going to happen after November 2011 election, not knowing what I wanted and where (literally and figuratively) I wanted to be. I just knew that I wanted to figure it out along the way and that I really enjoyed where I was at the time. I was content with my life balance.
But is that what’s supposed to happen? I always thought I’d be following some life plan and that I’d have a clearer idea of where I’d be down the line.
I also felt a little torn because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stay in the Bay Area (and if so, for how long?), go back to LA, or maybe even venture out somewhere else (I’d been eyeing New York for a while). All the possibilities were overwhelming. I didn’t know what I wanted.
I decided to just go with some advice my friend (who’s also my boss) gave me: I was going to just do what was fun at the moment and then when it stopped being fun, I’d move onto something else. That helped out a lot.
I got more involved at work and decided I needed to move to San Francisco to be closer to the office and be more available.
[Jump back to right now]
As much as I love my job and as much as I am always down to give 110% to what I do and to make it top priority, I’ve also felt like something was lacking. I realized that I had completely ignored my favorite hobbies. I began to really feel off because I hadn’t been as involved with the music and art scene lately.
That’s why once opportunities to get back in touch with the music and art scene (both in terms of moving back to Oakland and also in terms of taking part in friends’ projects) began presenting themselves, I took them. That’s why I’m trying to be more in this mindset of making more balance between all my passions and responsibilities. That’s part of why I’m moving back to Oakland. As stupid as it seems, proximity really has a big effect, especially in terms of the circles of people I’ve ended up spending my time with. I’ve been thinking that maybe by being closer to where I want to be (literally and figuratively), I’ll be more motivated to spend the extra hours needed to be more involved.
I guess I’ve just really been spending more time trying to figure out but also just realizing what exactly I want and then working toward those things.
Then again, this all feels like a description of an extremely cliche indie movie about growing up or being in your 20s. At the very least, at least commend me for being sincere about the situation/experience?
Usually, Lesbian Tuesdays are when I post about cool songs by musicians who are lesbians (or really popular in the gay community). I also post songs that are SOOOO obviously lesbian-related. For example, I might post about that girl crush song Rihanna released a while back.
However, in this post, I’m going to write about what it’s like to be a lesbian, or in this specific case: How I’m a moron because I like this one girl and act all stupid because of it, so here’s a post about what it does to your mind – in playlist form.
First, all I can do is wander around with sparkly eyes thinking “You are the girl that I’ve been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl” just like in “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You” by Black Kids. (This gets problematic though because of the competitive nature of the singer when he goes “ONE, I’m biting my tongue. TWO, I’m kissing on you. THREE, is he better than me?” because I totally get all weird and question my awesomeness when there is competition.)
Next, as Madonna says in “Hung Up,” “time goes by so slowly” and “every little thing you say or do, I’m hung up, I’m hung up on you…. I don’t know what to do.”
And then, I just feel really stupid and, as it goes in Passion Pit‘s “Cuddle Fuddle,” “Now I feel silly, selfish and dizzy but I got this feeling that you’ll forgive me. Oh my god, just please don’t ever let me go…. Put up with me and I’ll make you see that things are better when you’re with me.”
And thennnnn, there are times when I feel cocky as fuck. I feel like I’m the shit. I feel like I’m Chiddy in the Chiddy Bang’s remix of “Under the Sheets” by Ellie Goulding. I walk around thinking as the lyrics go, “And if you look at me I bet I have you starry eyed…”
Other times, my brain is all ADD and just all over the place, loud, neurotic. It feels exactly listening to the Beck remix of “The Girl” by Dr. Dog.
After those neurotic times, I feel pretty awesome about myself again. I feel like what a life based on Dinosaur Jr.’s “I Want You to Know” would be like. All country-rock inspired and tough and cowboy-boot-wearing and rough around the edges.
Then, I feel all lovey dovey and romantic and cutesy like “Strange Condition” by Pete Yorn. I especially feel stupid like his lines “You know you’re the best thing to ever come out of this place” and “It’s got me out of my head, and I don’t know what I came for” and especially “So leave out the others baby, and say I’m the only oneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
But to be completely honest, I just always end up chainsmoking and moping around to Black Light Dinner Party’s “Gold Chain” on repeat.
And that’s what it’s like being a lesbian when you like someone.
Two things… Actually three now that I’m on a slightly tangential mode of thinking:
1. If you know me personally, you’ll probably notice my way of thinking and talking in lists – as shown through this post.
2. Just discovered that you can not only link to individual uploaded songs on Myspace’s Music section, but you can also EMBED their music player for that specific song! (Great way to link to the actual song and, more importantly, to the actual musician’s Myspace page! I like this a lot because I’d much rather direct traffic to a musician’s account than a random person’s YouTube page simply because that’s the only place I [thought] I could find a link for the song I’m discussing.)
3. I love Kids at Midnight’s song “No No Yeah Yeah” because it begins with a chiptune beat then grows into a fuller indietronica song with more synth riffs and Jane Hanley’s trip-hop-y vocals. [MORE TO COME]
4. I need to remember to compile all my Monday Morningwoods, Lesbian Tuesdays, Hump Days, Friday I’m in Love Songs, and Saturday Rilo Kiley Mornings and actually post them here! [MORE TO COME!]
This entry charts the progression of what for all intents and purposes essentially was a relationship. It begins with the excitement of something new. The phone calls. The text messages. The concerts. The late summer nights. The jokes. The kisses snuck around corners. The photobooths.
Then it moves on to the confusion. The fights. The silence.
The denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression.
Then finally, acceptance of what for all intents and purposes essentially was the inevitable, eventual, drawn-out end.
I was in love.
These are my feelings. In order. From beginning to end. August 2010 to March 2011.